Twilight Characters Visit the set of New Moon
by fRANkiEGirL61
Summary: Twi characters visit the movie set of NM. COMPLETE RANDOMNESS such as girly Jasper, stubborn Carlisle, Puffy Peter, bisexual Kristen, Tay Tay, Rob's left nipple, oh and is that BELLA! Well, things were bound to get crazy... OOC.
1. Rob: in opera voice DONT LOOK AT ITT!

**So I've recently seen a few stories like this by numorous authors but instead of NM they were for the Twilight movie. They looked fun to write so I am trying it but for NM instead. Please tell me if it was corny/bad/good/cheesey/horrible/great/wierd/creepy. This is my feeble attempt at humor, so lemme know if it wasnt funny, just me trying to be funny and failing. If I get 100% negative feedback I will delete. The first chp (this) is bad but please give it a chance!**

_Twilight Characters Visit the Set of New Moon_

Director: Welcome back Kristen, Rob, Deer, Tay- WAIT! Deer explain yourself.

Deer Actor: Huhz?

Director: WTF are you doing here? YOUR NOT FREAKIN IN THIS ONE!

Deer Actor: I'm NOT?! I had a contract to be in New Moon too! If you dont believe me just ask my manager/bodyguard... *grabs huge scary bear*

Director: *sighs* fine... wait in the 'I don't exist buffet room' over there.

Deer Actor: *zooms off happily*

Director: Anyway, welcome back everyone to film the sequal movie New Moon!!!

Kristen: Oh yah, btw guys I'm goth now. Just fyi.

Director: AN-Y-WAY I have a special surprise for all you actors!

Rob: Eeep! *sqeels and starts hyperventalating*

Kristen: Ugh... he gt so ugly since the last movie Twilight. Do I really have to kiss him? And look how his left nipple is oozing stuff!

*everyone looks and fients*

Rob: Don't look at it! The doctor said no one would notice! DON'T LOOK AT IT!

Director: Okay guys stop, just stop. I've-

Rob: *in opera voice* DON'T LOOK AT ITT!!!

cuh-razy Twiligh fangirls: *facepalm* sometimes he's so gay. Sigh.

Director: *grabs megaphone* PEOPLE PEOPLE PEOPLE!

fangirls: yeah we wanna hea-earrr!

Director: who let you in???

fangirls: YoU wIlL nEvEr KnOw...

Direcotr: whatevs. anyway actors, SHUT UP!!! *everyone gets quiet from directors directory-doom voice* Good, good. Anyway while we film New Moon I have gotten the _actual characters from the book _to come here and watch and help out!!!

*crickets chirp*

*chirp*

*Chirp-chirp-chirp*

*ch-ch-chirp*

*chiiirrrppp*

*catchy tune starts up*

Kristen: chiiirrrrpppp! chirrrrp... CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP.

Rob: OH OH OH OH STAYIN ALIVE STAYIN ALIVE

everyone:?

Rob: What? Kristen's chirps sounded like the tune to that song!

Kristen :idiot.

Rob(while trying to cover his oozing deformed nipple with tape): muchacho. muchacho. MU-CHA-CHO. Try saying it with me. Mu-cha-cho. Muchacho. No with a Franch accent: _Muchacho. _Now like a super hero: Muchacho.

everyone: *facepalm*

Director: Anyway *leans back and shouts to somewhere behind curtains* come on out guys!

Out walks Bella, Edward, Jake, Carlisle, Esme, Emmet, Rose, Alice, Jasper, Charlie, Billy, Sam, etc.

Emmet: Hey yall! (booms) whos playing me? anyone? anyone?

Kellen: me.

Emmet: Oh. Migod. Its PERFECT! *Does the YMCA and hugs Kellan Lutz* Its like looking in a mirror!

Jacob: *walks up to Taylor Lautner* Dude, whats with the hair?

Taylor: *points* wig, wi-ig. do I need to spell it out for you UGH... some ppl are sooo stupid.

Jacob: *Turns to director* This DRAMA QUEEN is playing me?!

Taylor: Hey!

Jacob: stuff it human.

Taylor: I dont care, as long as I;m sex-ayyy cos I work out. BOOYAH! PSihavea12packjustsoyouknow.

Jacob: okay

Taylor: *grins creepily*

Bella: So, Director, who plays me?

Director: *points to Kristen*

Bella: *drops dead* SHE HAS A BLACK MULLET!

Director: er...well abou thaaat... uh *really fast dyes Kristens hair brwon and puts on hair extensions* there.

Bella: *sighs in relief* You had me fooled for a second there.

Rob: Hey, Ed! Ova here! BTW dont look at my nipple and also btw I'm playing you!

Edward: *looks at the tape on Rob's nipple and dies*

Director: Anyway, now that we've all met eachother let's start filming! Places everyone, and ACTION!

**Please review :D. That was my attempt at humor. Tell me I failed or suceeded. Thanx:)**


	2. Eric, you ARE a dork, m' dear

**Here is chp 2, and I don't think it's as good as the last chp unfortunately. I think that the ending of this starting with the Eric part isn't that good… oh well. I already have ¾ of chp 3 after this written out and that one is REALLY good so far. Anyway; thanks for all the reviews!**

_The Twilight Characters Visit the set of New Moon_

Chapter 2

*Kristen really fast grabs script and tries to look all suicidal* I'd never given much thought to how I would die…

Bella: *gasps* Kristen, come here come here.

Kristen: Whaaat! I was doing fine!

Director: *sympathetic * I'm so sorry Bella. *shakes head*

Bella: THAT'S TWILIGHT! WE'RE HERE FOR NEW MOON KRIS!*turns to director* is this dummy really playing me?

Director: Sorry, all I could find. Everyone else was either gay or male for your role. Maybe even Kristen… we're not sure.

Bella: Oh the horror…. Anyway for NM this time Krizzy.

Director: ACTION!

~in parking lot at school~

*rob gets put of car and struts over*

Kristen: Kiss me. *dramatic drama voice*

Bella: *sobs to director in director-seat thing* She's such a good actor… I'm so glad she's playing me…

Director: Didn't you just-

Bella: Shhh! I wanna see what happens.

Director: *facepalm*

Rob: Are you kidding me? I'm like, a hundred years old. *has been protectively blocking the taped up nipple from view this whole time*

Kristen: Yeah, it's gross. I really shouldn't go out with you anymore.

Rob: Yeah.

Kristen: What, Edward, what?! Wait-

Rob: JK. Ps Kristen, aren't we supposed to act the 'dramatic kiss me scene' later by your car at Charlie's house?

Kristen: *sigh* could you just kiss me? The next scene is starting soon.

Rob: Well…

Kristen: Well WHAT?!

Rob: What did you have for lunch today?

Kristen: Pizza.

Rob: ew.

Kristen: *whispers* um, EXCUSE ME, MR. NIPPLE!? Listen we are getting filmed here, bastard. Play the part.

Rob: But I don't like pizza…

Kristen: *smashes into his lips* ahh, the glory of love.

*walk walk walk*

~In school building~

Jackson (Jasper actor): Hi Bella… *Chants in head:* _try not to kill, try not to kill, try not to kill_

Kristen: Hi Jasper. God damn it it's my birthday. *With Rob walks over to Jackson and Ashley (Alice actor) in halls* Hey Alice and Jasper, what's up?

Bella: *whispers to director* She forgot to trip on the walk over! She FORGOT! If she wants to be me, she's gotta trip. I mean, she can't just not trip, YOU KNOW?!

Director: *sigh* Wanna be co-director? Will that make you happy?

Bella: Oh yes please please yes! I even had a speech prepared in case this happened. Lemme just find it…

Director: ACTION!

Kristen: CUT! Hold on hold on Bella, I'm not clumsy like you, and only stupid ppl trip on purpose! * At end gets scary voice and starts staring into space*

Director: Just go, Krisi.

Rob and Ashley: *Wave hands in front of Kristen*

Kristen: *snaps out of it and says in super-hero voice:* I'M READY.

Ashley: We've got prezzies!

Kristen: nonie nonie no. BAH you guys return 'em!

Ashley: *gasps in horror and hides shoes behind back* How DARE YOU?

~Watching film in class~

Kristen: Pssst!

Rob: *ignores*

Kristen: Pssst!!!

Rob: *puts on earmuffs*

Kristen: Damnit Edward!

Eric Actor: *cries from the dramatic classroom film*

Eric: Are you kidding me?! I- that it- THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN IN THE BOOK! THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN IN REAL LIFE! *breathes heavily* I don't just go around crying like that in class you know! I save it for when I'm using the bathroom. That way no one can see me cry!

Everyone: …

Eric: *Turns to director* Why is that in the script? Seriously! Are you out to get me? WHO PUT THAT IN THERE! It will make me look like a dork to the millions of people who watch!

Director: Eric, you are a dork, m' dear.

Eric: *sigh and turns to Eric Actor* I don't care what they say to you. When they start filming, don't go ahead and cry… *storms off to find the script writers*

Director: ACTION!

Eric Actor: *Continues crying*

Teacher actor: *stops film* So, Edward, what were that guy on the screens famous words or whatever. (AN I don't remember the question… or answer…)

Rob: *shifts un comfortably in the too-small seat as camera zooms closer and closer to him* Uh, well, something that has to do with Shakespeare… and him… listen, can you get back to me?

Teacher Actor: Fine, I'll ask you later. What's your number? *pulls out special comfy grip pen*

Rob: 999-9999-999999-9999-99999

Kristen: lol

Teacher Actor: Thanks a ton Edward, you better have the answer when I call you. Oh and my niece also needs a date to the prom… we'll talk about that over the phone…

Kristen: O.o

Teacher Actor: Do it and A+'s are involved for the rest of the semesters also…

Rob: Yah, but I'm a Cullen. I already have all A+'s…

Teacher Actor: We'll talk- *gets hit in the head by Kristen and her crowbar*

Director: CUT!

**I will do a review thanks/shout-out to everyone who reviews the story in a special epilogue chapter that I will do at the end of this story. So review! Oh and also take my poll and check out the contest I am hosting with Disney101. Lastly, if you want you can review with suggestions of jokes/skits/funny things I should put in the next chapter. If I get any ideas I will use every idea I get AND give you credit. You don't have to do this if you do review; it's just for fun. Thanx! ~fRANkiEGirL61**


	3. Peter Is Puffy

**AN at bottom.**

* * *

~Jasper Attack Scene At Cullen's house~

Director: Jackson, (Jasper Actor) got sick so we need to use his replacement for this scene... *brings out crazy twilight fangirl named Ariel*

Jasper: She's a girl.

Dierector: So?

Jasper: A girl cant play me!

Alice: She's perfect as Jasper!

Jasper: She's a GIRL!

*start a slap fight*

Director: *watches Jasper in slap fight with wife* Exactly. Anyway, ACTION!

*Everyone exchanges greetings and prezzies*

Ashley: Here, another present.

Kristen: Fine. *opens it and bleeds* Ohh shoot.

Ariel: *tries to look like a thirsty vampire*

Jasper: *mutters* Jackson Rathebone would have done sooo much better playing me in this scene. *:(*

Ariel: *attacks Kristen but something goes wrong and two lesbians are revealed*

Everyone: -

Kristen: *blushes* What? She was on top of me! And Director, you really chose a SPICEY girl to play Jasper...

Ariel: You really think so?

Kristen: I KNOW so... oh and fyi guys, I'M NOT LESBIAN.

Rob: Phew.

Kristen: I'm bisexual!

Everyone: oh god...

*Bella is already dead*

Edward: I'm back!

Rob: Yay! My nipple didn't really scare you to death! Yaay!

Edward is too busy crying at Bella's dead body.*screams like a girl* "W-what were her last words?"

Director whispers Bella's last words into Edwards ear: "W why? Why is a lesbo playing me?"

Edward: Those were her last words? She didn't say she loved me?

Director: Nope.

Edward: *sighs* What a bummer...

Director: And Action!

Rob: OMG Bella are you okay?

Kristen: Yeah, but my converse fell off. Where is it...?

Kellen and Nikki (Rose actor) take Ariel (replacement Jasper actor) outside.

A few seconds later Ashely and Elizibeth (Esme actor I think) leave.

Peter (Carlisle Actor): So, Bella, did you know Edward thinks vampires are going to hell?

Carlisle: CUT! Peter, m' dear, if you're going to play me you've got to have more emotion and less puffy lips and cheeks.

Peter: huh?

Everone else: *nods* Its true, you have a puffy face.

Peter: F U.

Director: Enoughhh and ACTION!

Rob: Thanx for fixing Bella's arm up, Carlisle.

Peter: *while putting the glass stuck in Kristen's arm into the bowl.* No prob, son. btw Edward, why dont you go outside for fresh air, cos you know Bella's bleeding and stuff.

Rob walks off.

Kristen: SO, Carlisle. How about you're hell speech thingy.

Peter: Oh ya. Edward thinks there's no life after death for vampires, but I totally disagree.

Kristen: Yeah, what an idiot.

Peter: Yeah.

*awquard silence*

Director: *whispering to Carlisle* There haven't been any interuptions for like 5 whole lines! I'm So proud!

Carlisle: Good for you, director, but not good for you for choosing someone like Peter to play me. *watches as Peter and Kristen are getting filmed talking*

Bella: WAIT! I INTERUPT!

Director: Crap.

Everyone else: I thought you died!

Bella: Yeah, well, this is a fanfic. fRANkiEGirL61 can bring me back to life if she wants, kay?

Director: *sighs* what do you want?

Bella: It seems like only yesterday I was throwing that dodgeball at Mike-

Mike: *rubs his head* That was this morning!

Bella: And now I'm co-director of the movie of my life...

Edward: *groans* She found her speech!

AN- you know that speech from the last chp she couldnt find...

"Hey!" Bella snaps. "Dont you care that I'm alive again?"

Edward: Well...

Director: Can we just start filming again?!

Bella: No wait! My speech!

Aro: Put a sock in it!

Bella: *whimpers* okay.

Director: ACTION!

Peter: CUT! Could we take a little break? I'm all depressed because of my puffy face now.

Director: *sigh* take 5 everyone!

**

* * *

**

Sorry if that chapter was offending to anyone in anyway. I apologize. Anyway I have half the next chapter done -yay- and hopefully I can update that faster than it took me to update this. I know I've left some scenes of the movie out in this story, (the first one with Billy (Charlie actor) and bella, the one where Edward explains to her abou the Volturi, the dream scene, and the one where Taylor comes in the chool parking lot) but this story will not have every scene. Or, for the scenes that I do do, the whole part of the scene. This story will just have the bigger and more important scenes. And well, the ones that I come up with ideas for and enjoyed in the book and movie. Anyway, REVIEW! ~fRANkiEGirL61


	4. It's Tay Tay!

**Okaaay… so this chapter was written by one of my bffls Amanda. I saw her for the first time last Sunday since September! (Or August... ya know, I dunno.) We had a great time; I was at her house the whole day! Also, during that time, I started talking about fanfiction to her. She asked about this story, and when she saw it, asked if she could write the next chapter. I told her why not? So yeah… all credit for this chapter goes to Amanda! xD PS: Sorry it's taking so long to update… but I already have the next chapter so hopefully I'll be ready again within the week!**

* * *

Director: ACTION!

Rob: *drives Bella home* Oh god I love you…

Kristen: diddo

*awkward silence*

Kristen: So, what's up?

Rob: Well…

Kristen: It's my birthday.

Rob: I forgot.

Kristen: What? Wha…? We just celebrated it!

Rob: erm…

Kristen: Eddy, whatever. Can I just ask one thing?

Rob: ?

Kristen: Kiss me… *does weird quirky eyebrow thing*

And so they kiss into the night…

Director: AND CUT! Beautiful, fabulous, outstanding job! OUTSTANDING!

Kristen: *blushes* It was a joint effort.

Rob: Psh. Pshaw. Mhmm. *snorts*

Director: *sobs* that was beautiful… best stuff we've got ALL DAY! ALL DAY folks. ALL DAY.

Carlisle: You know, except for the quirky eyebrow thing Kristen did when she said 'kiss me', the horrible acting, oh and don't forget how cliché that scene was…

Director: Oh PLEASE! BEST STUFF ALL DAY!

Kristen: blushes* Once again, it was a joint effort.

Rob: Pshhhhhhhh. Uh-huh. Yeah. _Def_ a joint effort. _Def._

*Ashley and Alice walk up* The costume designer said we could choose your outfit for the next scene Kristen!

Kristen: I thought…

A&A (in sync): SHOES! Hair! MAKEUP! *turn to each other dramatically* And clothes.

*freaky music from nowhere* DUN DUN DUN!

Ashley: C'mon!

Alice: Let's go!

*both drag Kristen away into the dark creepy depths of the set. Parts of the set that remain unknown…*

Director: And ACTION!

Kristen: Edward! Smile! Smile!

Rob: -

Kristen: Smile Eddy! The world is a better place when you smile, smile, smile! *sings*

Rob: Where the hell did that come from?

Kristen: I dunno. But it's awesome, so, yeah.

Rob: Reaaally? Realllly? Are you sure you're not quoting a Disney song?

Kristen: I remain silent.

Rob: Whatevs. I'm pissed at you so I'm not talking to you.

Kristen: *grumbles*

Rob: *face is empty blank wall*

Director: Okay. Let's take it from the top!

*camera ppl start filming again.*

Kristen: Can I take a picture? Pleassssse?

Billy (Charlie actor): I already said yes.

~People on set: *chants* Taytay Taytay Taytay Taytay Taytay…

Director: Stop! Everyone we're trying to film!

Rob: *no smile*

Kristen: Edward smile!

Director: Loving it!

Rob: *no smile*

Kristen: Ugh. *depressingness*

Rob and Billy: Taytay Tay Tay Tay Tay!

Director: Oh. Migod. Even my actors…

Kristen: Don't worry, Chris. You Are Not Alone. I don't get it either… wha? Ohhhh! TayTay TayTay TayTay!

*everyone chants taytay accept director*

Director: You know? Whatever. Just stop! Just… just stop.

Everyone chants: TayTay TayTay TayTay…

Director: *sputters with anger* ARE YOU GUYS KIDDING ME? You know… lets just go a few scenes ahead, shall we? I've had it with you Rob.

Rob: TayTay.

Director: ---

Rob: TayTay!

Director: *!k off! Anyway, let's go to the first Jake scene. C'mon everybody.

Taylor: *Nowhere to be found*

Director: DAMNIT where IS he? I am about to get sooo pissed. Am I missing something here?

*everyone on set chants* look look look look…

Director: *turns around* Ohhhhhh…

Taylor Lautner and Taylor Swift are seen French kissing on the floor.

(Amanda AN: I know they're an old couple but just go with it.)

Director: Ohhhhh. Ohhh. Ohhhh. Owahohowa. Ohhhhh.

Everyone: huh?

Director: Tay tay.

Everyone: *watches the two lovers* Awwwwwww!

Director: Awwwwww…. WAIT! Waaaiiiiiit one moment! Swift! Who the hell let you on the set?

TS: *points to Taylor* him

Taylor: *nods*

Jake: *grumbles* My actor is such an asswipe…

TS: *looks at infamous directory-doom glare from Chris* I agree. You SOOO shouldn't have let me in.

Kristen and Bella: Tay tay Tay tay…

Director: Stuff it guys.

Edward: Who is taytay?

Bella: *mouth drops open* Gasp! Eddy! How can you _NAWT _know? They are only my fav celebrity couple in the world! I thought you loved me!

Edward: Uhm?

Bella: *Snarls like bull and does that foot thing* Argh.

Everyone: run.

Eddy: AHHHHH!

Director: Okay. Now that they're gone… let's get down to the basics. Swift, you cannot distract my actors. I'm trying to make a Grammy worthy movie here.

Bella: *coughs* ahem. Not succeeding. Ahem.

*the sound of a glass breaking echoes throughout the once silent set*

Embry: *blushes*

Quil: damnnnnnn.

Embry: It was him! *points at Quil*

Taylor Swift: I think your people are already distracted enough, on their OWN.

**

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**

Once again… most of this chapter was written by Amanda. So shout out to her! Anyway, it might be better than usual, or not as good, but all the same review!


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